Hard times

I have to stop and write about these past few months before I forget how hard they have been. We are finally at a turning point with Hudson. He is sleeping 12 hours a night, napping for two in the afternoon, and one hour in the morning. He nurses five times a day and eats breakfast and dinner. He's happy usually and more go-with-the-flow. Times have changed. 

Hudson used to cry every single time we rode in the car. He would scream every evening all evening long. Reflux is not fun at all!  He woke up 1-2 times a night and was just difficult. I think it truly wouldn't have been so hard, but we have two other very needy children. Roman is an extremely strong willed, defiant four year old and Carmen is a typical two year old who whines anytime her daddy is in the room. I love them all so much, but they are definitely not perfect. 

When Hudson turned about six weeks old, things started spiraling out of control. It was around the 4th of July. I feel like the first two weeks of a newborn are crazy with no sleep, but you're still on adrenaline from the excitement of a new baby. The next month is crazy because you are literally so sleep deprived it's insane. By six weeks, I was going crazy. I kept trying to keep everything up in the house as far as cooking and cleaning, but was running on no sleep. Not to mention entertaining a two and four year old every day during the summer all with Matt flying all the time. I literally don't know how we would have functioned without my mom!!

I kept having anxiety and started not sleeping in between Hudson's feedings at night. I would lay there and worry that he would wake again or that Roman would come in our room because he wet the bed (we put him back in pull ups at night during this time!). Thank the Lord that Carmen is an amazing sleeper usually. After so little sleep, I was becoming anxious. I called my doctor in desperation and within hours, they prescribed me Zoloft. Now, I'm not completely against medicine, but I've never taken anything like this before and didn't know what to do. I was so desperate that I started taking it. After one week, I experienced every single side effect. It was a disaster. I would get almost shaky with anxiety. So I got off the medicine and continued to work through it. Shouldn't having a baby be a great thing? I got through my dad's death without medication, why couldn't I get through this?!  It is amazing what sleep can do!

Things seemed to get a little better and then worse again. I had my annual check up about a month later and the doctor sat with me for about 30 minutes trying to get me on antidepressants. She told me it would slightly change the chemicals in my brain so I could function better and be a better mom. I finally looked her in the face and said, "I don't want the chemicals in my brain changed, I want to sleep." She prescribed me ambien for those few nights that I have trouble sleeping. I've used it around 5 times now just when I can't turn my brain off. 

Having a baby is such a beautiful miracle, but nobody tells you how hard it can be too. I feel so blessed to have three amazing, healthy children. They are all so unique and wonderful to me. I just don't think we need anymore kids! Ha!  Having one child was a tough adjustment. Changing from 1 to 2 was crazy. It taught us the meaning of multi-tasking. Going from 2 to 3 was a complete game changer. I simply don't have three hands and always feel like I can't give them enough attention. I know that in everything I do, I am trying to do my best. I'm trying to teach them to love others, be respectful, eat healthy home cooked meals, learn new things, learn to play by themselves, and above all, love The Lord with all their heart. If I succeed in this, then I think we're doing okay. Enough of my rambling. It's not easy being a mom, but it's an amazing opportunity that I'm not taking lightly. 

'So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.' 

1 Corinthians 10:31

'I can do everything through him who gives me strength.' 

Philippians 4:13